humour

Joke of the Day…

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I pride myself on being patient when teaching driver education, something I have done for 30 years. I have encountered many, many students, who didn’t seem to be able to hit the floor with their hat. But one incident was just too much.

I had a sweet young thing behind the wheel for the first lesson of the semester. She had volunteered to go first and seemed ready to show the other two kids how well she could drive. We left the rural school and started toward town.

As we approached the first stop sign, the young lady gave no sign that she saw it. We got closer, but she still did not slow down. Finally, I used the “teacher’s brake” pedal, on my side of the car, to get us stopped.

When I asked her why she didn’t slow down to stop for the stop sign, she replied, “but, Mr. Smith, the speed limit is 35 ALL the way to the stop sign!”

Source:Joke a day.com

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Joke of the DAY… ” That is Mine … “!!!

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After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. “This is your home, Coach. Most people don’t get their own house up here,” God exclaims.

Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It’s a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, “That’s not Saban’s house, that’s mine!!!!!”

Source::::: joke a day.com

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” This is Funny …..An Amazing Rhyme …” !!!

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This is funny….
​​GOA RADIO ORGANISED A COMPETITION FOR POEMS, IN WHICH THE FIRST LINE MUST BE ROMANTIC, BUT SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE.​

​ ​Here is the ultimate prize winning poem…​

​ ​My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife.
Marrying you messed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming​.​
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila,with some lime​!!

Source:::Input from a friend of mine
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Joke of the day…” Read all about…” !!!

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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, “Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

Source:::joke a day .com

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Laughter is The Best Medicine …” You Give me 100 lashes …” !!!

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The Punishment for Drinking Booze …
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they are all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each.

On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who will whip them announced: “It’s my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through.

When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked. The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.”

Source::: ba-ba mail site

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Jokes For the day… One Liners…

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A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

Do you know how to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Confucius Says: If you don’t succeed, re-define success

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Source::::: joke a day .com

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Joke of the Day …” what game encourages drinking and driving …” !!!!

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Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club? He looked at club after club after club. His friend asked him “Why are you taking so long?” He replied “I am looking for a hole in one!”

 

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, “When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree.” So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. “Of course,” added the grandpa, “when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall.”

 

Q. What game encourages drinking and driving?
A. Golf

 

Source::::Joke a day.com

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Joke of the Day… “but ten dollars are ten dollars… ” !!!

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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs … and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears then and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won’t charge you. But just ONE WORD and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word… so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”

And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out … but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

 

Source::::Joke a day.com

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Jokes of The day… ” Midnight Come Here… ” !!!

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“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.

“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a

flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said “you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear”.
They all laughed and said “it is hard; do you think you could bag one”?
“I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. “Open the door he yelled”.
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. “OK skin him I’ll go and get the other one”.

Source::: Joke a day .com

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Joke of the Day…” What did the Chicken do … ? “

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So there’s this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “That’s it. I’ll get you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Source:::: Joke a day.com

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