humour

Jokes For The Weekend….!!!

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The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t

heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”…

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A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”   

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 …

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

………………

 

source:::::: joke a day.com

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” He Wanted to Carry Some Money When He Is Dead !!!… In check or cash ? !!!” …

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Money for the Dead!

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.

“I always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It’s in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in.”
Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I deperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”

The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.” He looked ashamed.

The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don’t see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount.”

 

source:::: ba-ba mail site

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Jokes For the Day… ” One For the Day For Every One …” !!!

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1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

source::::joke a day.com

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Jokes For the Day… Kid Jokes…!!!

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Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

 

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Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problems  

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A kindergarten teacher asked: “What is the shape of the earth?”
After a pause a little girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy…terrible!”
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“Dad, Can you write in the dark?”
“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on this re port card.
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source:::: joke a day .com
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Jokes For The Day !!!

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all

the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three

times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he

wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you

guys.”    

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A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.
“How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed.
“Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”  

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Q. Why did the student eat his homework?

A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.   

 

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A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”
“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.
“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”
“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”
“What’s extinguish?” she asked.
“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald
“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”
The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table. “Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress, “take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”
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source :::: joke a day.com
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Laughter is The Best Medicine …. For Doctors Too !!!

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Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”  

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Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”
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Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.
Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.
Doctor: To make your will?
Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.
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A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge.” The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting.” But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, “It says ‘Pull’”!!!
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A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”
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Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”
…………………..
source:::::joke a day.com
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” Think Differently “… That is What Kids Do !!!

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Kids Just Think Differently
I’m a huge fan of Bill Cosby’s old show: “Kids say the darndest things”. Because nothing can beat the innocence and inexperience of a child when it comes to funny lines. They sometimes say things that adult comedians would just never think of saying, and it’s all the more hilarious for it!

“Close the curtains,” requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He refreplied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”

A friend’s grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked, “Is this where God took out the man’s brain and made a woman?”

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”

When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, “Capital F!”

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, “Oh, it’s going to the tire-o-practor?”

Impressed by her 5-year-old’s vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, ” I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”

His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy, he gulped, “You already have a son. Me!”

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, “Guess what! They are not only twins….they’re brothers!!”

 

source::::ba-ba mail site

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Jokes For the Day…” I am above the Law Now … ” !!!

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 A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”  

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A man traveling over 125 miles per hour on the interstate was stopped by a highway patrol. “Sorry, officer,” said the driver, “was I driving too fast?
“No, sir. Our were flying too low.” 

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The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”
The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.
With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first – it looks as if it might be measles.   

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A crook rented an apartment over a police station.
He feels he is “above the law, now!”

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A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.” The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?” The man then said, “yes”. “Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman  

 

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source:::::joke a day.com

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Joke of the Day !!! …. ” Buy One For Me Too ” !!!

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One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.  !!!

source:::: joke a day .com

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