humour

Joke For The Day…” Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog ? …” !!!

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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1…

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the
speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that
again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. ”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

The envelope please…………………

AND THE WINNER IS …

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

source:::::joke a day.com

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Jokes for the Day …” You Forgot your Wheelchair again …” !!!

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A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, “I know you were there…” he maintained his innocence until “…the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again….”   

……………………

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated  Decoy !!!….
……………………………..
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?” The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”
“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”
“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ’66.
How ’bout you?”
“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ’66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”
“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”
“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”
“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”
“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this . . .”
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing?”
Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that’s just plain amazing.”
A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What’s new?” Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again

source::::joke a day.com

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Read more:http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=6#ixzz2siIXpiVR

 

Jokes For the Day…” Can i help for Your promotion ? “…!!!

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A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

……………………………

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

…………………………..

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
………………………………

The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, “You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years.” Replied the drunk: “Can I help it if you can’t get promoted?”

…………………………

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

source::::joke a day.com

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Albert Einstein…Few Lighter Moments in the Life of This Genius !!!

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Great minds do not ponder over small things!

Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally, when he headed off to work.

“Why should I?” He would invariably argue.  Everyone knows me there.”

When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit.

“Why should I?” said Einstein.  “No one knows me there!

=======================================================

Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” he once declared.

“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

That’s relativity!”

=======================================================

One day while working in Princeton University, Albert Einstein forgot his home address when he was going back home. The driver of the cab did not recognize him.

Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home. The driver said “who does not know Einstein’s address?  Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?”

Einstein replied, “I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there?

“The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

=============================================

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.

The conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it.’

Einstein nodded appreciatively.

The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one.’

Einstein looked at him and said, ‘Young man, I too know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”

 =======================================================

At college Einstein fell madly in love with the only woman in his physics class, a dark and intense Serbian named Mileva Maric.

She served as a sounding board for his scientific ideas and helped to check the math in his papers, but eventually their relationship disintegrated.

Einstein offered her a deal.  He would win the Nobel Prize someday, he said; if she gave him a divorce, he would give her the prize money.

She thought for a week and accepted.

Because his theories were so radical, it was seventeen years after his miraculous outpouring from the Patent office before he was awarded the prize and she collected!

=======================================================

THE COSMIC TRUTH! LIFE IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE.  TO KEEP YOUR BALANCE YOU MUST KEEP MOVING! –Albert Einstein, in a letter to his son Eduard, February 5, 1930

source:::::::::::::: input from a friend of mine

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Jokes for the Day…

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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor’s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. “What a ridiculous test!” he told the prof. “How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever seen!”
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, “Wait a minute, young man, what’s your name?”
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, “You tell me, prof! You tell me!”
………………………
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

source::::joke a day.com

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Joke For The Day… ” How are you Feeling ? ” !!!

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Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.”
“Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

source::::joke a day .com

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One First Class Fare Flight Ticket… Free Food at Airport For One Year !!!

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Genius man used one first class airplane ticket to eat free for a year

Airports are often terrible places to be. There are too many people rushing somewhere combined with too many cranky folks leaving somewhere mixed with annoying obstacles in the form of TSA security and rolling luggages. But it’s just like that for us normal folk. For first class flyers? It’s like being a rock star. One genius man took advantage of his rock star status and used one single first class airplane ticket to eat food for free for an entire year.

It’s an absolutely brilliant ploy. You see, when you have a first class ticket, you can stroll into the fanciest VIP airport lounge and grab whatever you want because once you’re inside that VIP lounge, anything you want—yes, including food—is free.

News.com.au relays a report from Kwong Wah Yit Poh of a genius man in China who took advantage of the free perks of those airport lounges. He booked a first class ticket on China Eastern Airlines and went to the VIP airport lounge at the Xi’an airport in Shaanxi, China and ate a delicious meal before his flight. Just like any first class traveler would. Except he never takes the flight. After he finished eating, the man changed his flight’s departure for another day and went back home. Until tomorrow. Armed with a brand new first class ticket for a new day, he comes back to the airport lounge, eats another fantastic free meal and after he finishes up, yep, pushes his flight back again. Lather. Eat. Repeat. For free.

In fact, he pretty much got a year of free meals out of this trick because he changed his flight itinerary over 300 times in the same year. The man sure knows how to work a loophole.

The best part though? When China Eastern Airlines started investigating this heroic man for changing his flights too many times, he simply canceled his airplane ticket and got a full refund. Well done, sir. Well done.

Image Credit: Shutterstock/Kzenon  &news.com.au

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Laughter the Best Medicine … ” One Lung at a Time “!!!

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Jokes for the Day….”$chool is i$ Really Great …” !!!

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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
……………………

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.”
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
“He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out” came the harried reply.
………………………………..
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; “Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?”
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. “Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey.”
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. “Mother?” She sweetly asked again.
“Yes?” Her Mother replied. “Why is Grandma’s hair all grey ?

.……………………….

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over…
………………………….
A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, “Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being told!”
“Well,” said the mother, “that’s wonderful! Thank you very much. It will save  a lot of trouble, and it shows you are growing up.”
“Yeah, but, Mom,” said the boy, “don’t jump to conclusions.”
I don’t understand, dear,” said his mother. “Conclusions?”
“Yeah, Mom” said the boy. “This isn’t going to become a habit.”
…………………………..
After spending all day putting in a new cement walk, Mr. Sullivan was horrified to see his kids using sticks to write their names in it. After screaming viciously at the kids, he came back inside, only to find his wife scowling. “How could you do that?” she asked.
“It’s just a walkway, and – don’t you love your kids?” Her husband said, “In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete.”

source:::: joke a day .com

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