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Jokes For The Day…” I Believe You are in My Chair ….” !!!

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
Not only that, but….
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

……………………………

 

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.” God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”
God then addresses Bill Clinton: “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates: “Bill Gates, what do you believe in?”
Bill Gates says, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

source:::::joke a day.com

natarajan

Jokes For the Day…” Guess Where” …!!!

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture”, and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants.”

2. On landing the stewardess said, “There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane.”

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!”

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

5. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

………………………….

 

1. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments.”

3. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate

………………………………..
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where?

source:::::joke a day.com

natarajan

Most Beautiful River in the World !!!

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The river shown in the photographs below is Caño Cristales, an amazingly colorful river in Colombia. The river takes on many different colors, including yellow, green, blue, black, but especially red, caused by the weeds at the bottom of the river (Macarenia clavigera).

The river is commonly called “The River of Five Colors”, “The Liquid Rainbow” “The River That Ran Away to Paradise”, and “The Most Beautiful River in the World” due to its striking colors.

This is what I imagine a river downstream from a Skittles factory looks like. Taste the rainbow!

Source: Atlas Obscura  and viral nova site

natarajan

 

 

Jokes For the Weekend …. ” Windows Frozen …” !!!

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SHORT &  SIMPLE:
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.”
………………..
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

………………..
Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain,”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

………………….

source::::: joke a day .com
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Joke of The Day… “Do you Have A Driving Licence ? ” !!!

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A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?” The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.” The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?” So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.” The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?” The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.” The officer steps toward the back of the car and says,” Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.” The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said,” Yes officer here it right here.” It all checked out so the officer said,” Is there a gun in the glove box sir?” The man laughs and says,” No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.” He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.” The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”   

source::::joke a day .com

natarajan

 

” Is There any Doctor onboard ?…And Does Anyone Know How to Fly a Plane ? ” …

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Passengers heard not one but two chilling announcements on a recent United Airlines flight from Des Moines to Denver, after their pilot suffered a heart attack at 30,000 feet.

Quick-thinking nurse Linda Alweiss, from Camarillo, California, rushed to respond when crew asked over the loud speaker if any passengers had medical training.

But as she was administering aid to the ‘mumbling and incoherent’ pilot, another, distinctly more terrifying plea was heard: ‘Does anyone in the cabin have flight experience?’

Thankfully, the co-pilot managed to safely land the plane at an airport in Omaha, but not before the unusual request thoroughly frightened all on board.

Hero: Quick-thinking nurse Linda Alweiss, pictured left and right, rushed to respond when the pilot suffered a heart-attack mid-flight  Hero: Quick-thinking nurse Linda Alweiss, pictured left and right, rushed to respond when the pilot suffered a heart-attack mid-flight

Hero: Quick-thinking nurse Linda Alweiss, pictured left and right, rushed to respond when the pilot suffered a heart-attack mid-flight

 

The drama began about 20 minutes into the December 30 flight.

Mrs Alweiss was flying home via Denver with her husband and 16-year-old daughter from a Christmas vacation. When the first announcement was made the registered nurse with decades of experience was first to respond.

 

She said she found the pilot slumped over in the cockpit.

‘He was sick and mumbling and was just incoherent,’ she told KTLA.

The pediatric intensive care nurse, who only recently re-certified her advanced cardiac life support accreditation, noticed his heart was beating irregularly and determined he’d probably suffered a blood clot or a heart-attack.

Scary: Mrs Alweiss was flying home via Denver with her husband and 16-year-old daughter from a Christmas vacation when the two frightening announcements were madeScary: Mrs Alweiss was flying home via Denver with her husband and 16-year-old daughter from a Christmas vacation when the two frightening announcements were made

 

Another nurse, Amy Sorenson, of Wyoming, also volunteered to assist and the pair, with the help of other passengers, pulled the captain out of the cockpit and into the galley so they had more room to work.

The nurses set up a diagnostic defibrillator and administered an IV.

After the co-pilot took control of the airplane, Mrs Alweiss said she turned to the woman and asked, ‘You know how to land the plane, right?’ And she said ‘yes.’

‘I felt immediately comfortable. That was just one thing I didn’t have to think about, so I could focus more on what was going on with the patient,’ Mrs Alweiss recounted to KTLA.

But a second announcement was made, asking if there were any pilots in the cabin.

‘That kind of changed the story a little bit,’ Mrs Alweiss’ husband, Alan, explained with a laugh.

Room to work: Alweiss and another nurse, Amy Sorenson, pulled the captain out of the cockpit and into the galley, pictured, and after the flight landed safely he was met by paramedics, right, on the tarmac
Room to work: Alweiss and another nurse, Amy Sorenson, pulled the captain out of the cockpit and into the galley, pictured, and after the flight landed safely he was met by paramedics, right, on the tarmac

Room to work: Alweiss and another nurse, Amy Sorenson, pulled the captain out of the cockpit and into the galley, pictured, and after the flight landed safely he was met by paramedics, right, on the tarmac

 

The co-pilot managed to land the plane without trouble and paramedics were waiting to treat the pilot on the tarmac.

‘United flight 1637, a Boeing 737 operating between Des Moines and Denver Monday evening, landed safely in Omaha after the captain became ill,’ the airline said in a statement. ‘United accommodated the customers overnight, and they continued to Denver the next day.’

On the rescheduled flight the following day, Mrs Alweiss sat next to the co-pilot who informed her the pilot had survived and was being treated in the cardiac unit of an Omaha hospital.

‘She did her job,’ Mr Alweiss proudly told KTLV of his wife.

‘She jumped at the opportunity, didn’t hesitate. And she did it at 30,000 feet, knowing that the person who was supposed to be flying the plane was her patient.’
source::::Helen Pow in mailonline.com UK
natarajan

 

கனவா….? காமெடியா…? !!!

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இது ஒரு சீனக் கனவு என்பதுதான் பெரும்பாலும் அவரது பேச்சின் தொடக்கமாக இருக்கும். சீனாவின் முதன்மையான கோடீஸ் வரர்களில் அவரும் ஒருவர். பெயர் சென் குவாங்பியா. வீட்டு உபயோகப் பொருள்கள் கழிவு முதல் பெரும் தொழிற்சாலைகளில் மீதமாகும் பொருள்கள் வரை “ரீசைக்ளிங்” செய்யும் தொழில் நடத்தி பெரும் கோடீஸ்வரர் ஆனவர்.

 

சீனாவில் இவரை விடப் பெரிய கோடீஸ்வரர்கள் பலர் இருந்தும் இப்போது மேற்குலக ஊடகங்களால் பெரிதும் விரும்பி கவனிக்கப்படும் நபராகிவிட்டார் சென்.

இதுநாள் வரை சீனாவில் பெரும் கொடையாளியாகவும், ஜன சிநேகனாகவும் அறியப்பட்டு வந்த இவர் இப்போது சர்வதேச அளவிலும் கவனத்தை ஈர்க்க காரணம் இல்லாமல் இல்லை.

தனது அதிரடியான செயல்களாலும், பேச்சுகளாலும் சீனாவில் பெரும்பாலான மக்களின் கவனத்தை ஈர்த்தவர் சென்.

சமீபத்தில் தென் சீனக் கடல் தீவுகள் தொடர்பாக ஜப்பான் -சீனா இடையே பிரச்சினை ஏற்பட்டபோது ஜப்பானில் தயாரிக்கப்பட்ட 43 கார்களை வாங்கி அதனை மக்களுடன் சேர்ந்து அடித்து நொறுக்கி, எந்த அளவுக்கு சீனப் பற்றாளன் என்பதைக் காட்டினார் சென்.

அவரது சமீபத்திய அதிரடி அறிவிப்பு அமெரிக்காவின் முதன்மையான “தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸ்” நாளிதழை வாங்கப் போகிறேன் என்பதுதான்.

மேற்குலகத்தை தன்பக்கம் திருப்ப நினைத்துதான் இப்படி ஓர் அறிவிப்பை வெளியிட்டாரோ என்னவோ.

சென் இதனை கூறி வாய் மூடவில்லை. அமெரிக்காவிலும், ஐரோப்பிய நாடுகளிலும் மின்னணு ஊடகங்களிலும், சமூக வலைத் தளங்களிலும் காட்டுத்தீயாக செய்தி பரவியது.

பத்திரிகையை விற்கக் காரணம் என்ன, சீனரிடம் சென்றால் அதன் எதிர்காலம் எப்படியிருக்கும் என்பது போன்ற கருத்துகள் சர்வதேச தொலைக்காட்சிகளில் அலசப்பட்டன.

இத்தனையும் நடப்பதற்கு முன்பு, “தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸை” ஏன் வாங்கப் போகிறேன் என்பது குறித்து சென் விளக்கமளித்தார்.

சீனா என்றாலே வில்லன் என்பதுபோன்ற ஒரு மாயத்தோற்றம்தான் சர்வதேச அளவில் உருவாக்கப்பட்டுள்ளது. சர்வதேச ஊடகங்கள் சீனா குறித்து மிகைப்படுத்தி வெளியிடும் தவறான செய்திகள்தான் இதற்குக் காரணம். எனவே அமெரிக்காவில் பிரபலமான “தி நியூ யார்க் டைம்ஸை” வாங்கி அதன் மூலம் சீனாவின் புகழை சர்வதேச அளவில் நிலை நாட்டப்போகிறேன். வரலாற்றுப் பிழைகள் பலவற்றை திருத்தி எழுதப் போகிறேன் என்று கூறி ஊடகங்களின் செய்திப் பசிக்கு தீனி போட்டார் சென்.

இத்தனைக்கும் சீனாவில் “தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸ்” நாளிதழும், அதன் இணைய தளமும் தடை செய்யப்பட்டுள்ளன. அந்நாட்டு பிரதமராக இருந்த வென் ஜியாபோவின் குடும்ப சொத்து விவரங்களை சேகரித்து வெளியிட்டதுதான் “தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸ்” தடை செய்யப்படக் காரணம். இது சுமார் ஓராண்டுக்கு முன்பு நடந்த கதை.

இந்த சூழ்நிலையில் பத்திரிகை நிறுவனம் விற்பனைக்கு வருகிறதா என்பது குறித்து விளக்கமளிக்க வேண்டிய கட்டாயம் “ தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸ்” நிர்வாகத்துக்கு ஏற்பட்டது. பத்திரிகை நிறுவனத்தை விற்கும் திட்டம் ஏதும் இல்லை. வதந்திகளை நம்ப வேண்டாம் என்பதுதான் நிர்வாகத்தின் ஒரே பதில்.

மேலும் பல கேள்விகள் சென் குவாங்பியாவை நோக்கித் திரும்பின. சென் நிதானமாக பேசினார். நீங்களாவது முன்பே சொல்லியிருக்கக் கூடாதா… நன்கு விசாரித்துப் பார்த்த பின்புதான் தெரிந்தது, “தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸின்” சர்க்குலேஷன் கொஞ்சம் கம்மிதானாமே. அது நமக்கு சரிப்பட்டு வராது என்று தோன்றுகிறது. எனவே அதனை விட அதிகம் விற்பனையாகும் பத்திரிகையான “தி வால் ஸ்ட்ரீட் ஜர்னலை” வாங்கலாம் என்ற யோசித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறேன் என்று பேசி அதிரவைத்தார் சென்.

அடுத்ததாக வால் ஸ்ட்ரீட் ஜெர்னல் சென்னின் வசமாகிறது என்று செய்திகள் வெளியாகி பரபரப்பை ஏற்படுத்தியுள்ளது. சென்னின் பேட்டிகளை தொடர்ந்து வாசிப்பவர்கள் மட்டும் இது சீனக் கனவா… அல்லது சீனக் காமெடியா… என்று புரியாமல் யோசித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறார்கள்.

Keywords: சீனா, தி நியூயார்க் டைம்ஸ், சென் குவாங்பியா, வென் ஜியாபோ

source::::The Hindu …Tamil

natarajan

Jokes For the Day… ” Can i Get a New Attorney ?” !!!

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:All of them.The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

And finally the best……

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

source::::input from a friend of mine

natarajan