Jokes For the Day… ” Can i Get a New Attorney ?” !!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:All of them.The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

And finally the best……

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

source::::input from a friend of mine

natarajan

It Is a Donkey Trick !!!… It Teaches us Too !!!

THE DONKEY … a teacher !!! 
‘WHEN YOU TRUST SOMEONE TRUST HIM COMPLETELY WITHOUT ANY DOUBT……. AT THE END YOU WOULD GET ONE OF THE TWO : EITHER A LESSON FOR YOUR LIFE OR A VERY GOOD PERSON’  
source::::input from a friend of mine
natarajan

Message For the Day….” Learn From Sun God…Do Your Duties with Dedication…”

Life on earth is possible only because of the Sun. For mankind that is caught up in a meaningless existence and going through an endless round of futile activities, the Sun God stands out as an exemplar of tireless and selfless service. He enjoys no respite from work. He is above praise and censure. He carries on his duties with absolute equanimity. Everything he does is only for the wellbeing of the world and not for causing any harm. Thus the Sun God teaches us the supreme example of humble devotion to duty, without any conceit. Everyone must learn how to do their duties with devotion and dedication, just like the Sun. Doing one’s duty is the greatest Yoga (Spiritual path), as pointed out by Krishna in the Gita. Hence, let your actions and thoughts be good. You will then experience the bliss divine

Sathya Sai Baba

 

” Idli in Paris ” … Meet Muthuswamy of Mumbai !!!

t’s not caviar and champagne but the humble idli, vada and dosa that is going places. Muthuswamy, who once supplied milk in Matunga, has Mumbai’s upper crust eating out of his hand, quite literally. S Balakrishnan talks to the man behind the batter.

Muthuswamy…..- Photo by Rajendra Gawankar/DNA

When big-time diamond merchant and film producer Bharat Shah wanted to throw a party in Antwerp to celebrate the wedding of his son a few years ago, guess who he turned to for catering the food? Not the Hilton or Radisson but Muthukrishnan Reddy aka Muthuswamy of the Matunga Labour Camp, celebrated for his light-as-air idlis and tangy sambhar.

Muthuswamy, 58, accepted the order with his characteristic alacrity and flew down to the land of De Beers with an entourage of ten cooks and a lot of cooking vessels. He rustled up the pleasantly pungent rasam vadas, fluffy idlis, crisp dosas, perfectly spongy panniyarums. The aroma of freshly ground coriander, tamarind and curry leaves wafted in the party hall, and Muthuswamy had the guests, including the who’s who of the diamond trade, licking their manicured fingers.

More recently, when industrialist Mukesh Ambani and wife Nita wanted to host a Diwali party at their Rs1,600 crore home Antilla in Mumbai’s Carmichael Road, the self-effacing Muthuswamy was the natural choice. The five feet something caterer, clad in a white mundu and shirt, is a regular fixture at parties thrown by the richest couple of the land.

Muthuswamy is also sought after by other biggies of India, including the Ruias and Mittals.

The man who started his career 30 years ago by supplying milk in the Matunga Labour Camp-Dharavi area later graduated to selling idlis and dosas at the ramshackle Uma Shankar Hotel in Dharavi, he has since come a long way. His annual turnover runs into a few crores, but he doesn’t like to discuss it. “You know why,’’ he says.

Muthuswamy is truly bitter about the high rates of taxation in India. “Apart from income tax, I have to pay value added tax, service tax, etc. Almost 60 per cent of my earnings goes to the government. It is not worth it,’’ he complains, much like anyone else in the corporate world.

Muthuswamy receives 50 to 60 catering orders every month for large weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and JLT (Just Like That) parties hosted by Mumbai’s upper crust.

When asked which one was the biggest party he has catered, Muthuswamy replies diplomatically: “Well, all clients are the same for me. What I am interested in is the satisfaction of my clients and their guests.’’

Indeed, gastronomic satisfaction is his USP and pride. Many who have consumed hundreds of idlis in Udupi restaurants, guzzled litres of their sambhar and tasted their fair share of chutneys and masala dosas validate Muthuswamy’s food. His idlis are known for their fluffiness and his sambhar recipe beats the best in the business.

Ask for the secret of his recipes and he says, “I do not compromise on quality come what may. I source the best ingredients in the market and prepare the dishes in a traditional manner. I have done my own experimentation and apart from that I have learnt a lot from recipe books like Samaithupaar. I personally supervise the preparation of all items.’’

His micro-management seems to have paid off.  Muthuswamy presides over quite an empire.
He has catered parties all over the world, including Belgium, Italy, France and South Africa. In fact, until sometime ago, he would export ready-to-cook idlis and other foods to a company in South Africa, which in turn exported them to Paris, Rome and other European capitals. He has stopped his export business because of logistical issues.

Muthuswamy has three sons, one of whom is an aeronautical engineer while the other two are
management graduates who help him run the business. They also have plans to expand.

A few years ago, Muthuswamy purchased a fast-food joint called Relax opposite Matunga railway station and renamed it Arya Bhavan. It is no surprise that Arya Bhavan is a big hit with the Gujarati, Kutchi and south Indian community in Matunga. Interestingly, it sells idlis called the Brahmin idli and Iyengar idli. Muthuswamy also owns a restaurant in Madurai called Nellai Arya Bhavan.

source:::: S Balakrishnan in :DNA   Mumbai

natarajan

Joke for the Day…” Are we Over the Border yet ? ” !!!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

source:::joke a day .com

natarajan

 

Twelve Things Happy People Do Differently ….

12 Things Happy People Do Differently by Stephen Covey

I found this list of 12 Things Happy People Do Differently.  It was written by Stephen Covey who is the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  He has a lot of very inspiring ideas packed into this list.  It touches on a lot of the spiritual principles of the 12 steps which I try to live out each day including: gratitude, kindness, commitment, forgiveness, and brotherly love.  It’s another reminder for me to do my best each day and leave the rest for my Higher Power.  Enjoy! 

1. Express Gratitude: When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value. If we aren’t thankful for what we already have, we will have a hard time ever being happy.
2. Cultivate Optimism: People who think optimistically see the world as a place packed with endless opportunities, especially in trying times.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison: Comparing yourself to someone else can be poisonous. The only person you should compare to yourself is yourself before now.
4. Practice acts of kindness: Selflessly helping someone is a super powerful way to feel good inside.
5. Nurture social relationships: The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep, meaningful relationships.
6. Develop strategies for coping: It helps to have healthy strategies for coping per-rehearsed, on-call, and in your arsenal at your disposal (like an affirmation).
7. Learn to forgive: Harbouring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well being.
8. Increase flow experiences: Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still. It’s when you’re so focused on what you’re doing that you become one with the task. Nothing is distracting you or competing for your focus.
9. Savour life’s joys: Deep happiness cannot exist without slowing down to enjoy the joy.
10. Commit to your goals: Magical things start happening when we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to get somewhere.
11. Practice spirituality: When we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us. We surrender the silly idea that we are the mightiest thing ever.
12. Take care of your body: Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be.
source::: Bonnie J  in Living the Steps  site
natarajan

Jokes for the Weekend…”.Right Click or Write Click ” !!!

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
……………………………
COMPUTER TERMS – TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya paid fer the rifle

source::::jokeaday.com

natarajan

Words With a “Pun”ch !!!… Funny !!!

 

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

==============

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

Message For the Day…” When True Humanness Blossoms …”

Although there may be differences among nations in their food and habits, the spirit of harmony and unity displayed in sports is a gratifying example to all. It is a distinctive quality of sports that differences are forgotten and persons engage themselves in games in a divine spirit of camaraderie. Sports help the players not only to improve their health but also to experience joy. However, you should not be content with realising these benefits alone. You have another body besides the physical; it is the subtle body, otherwise known as the mind. It is equally essential to promote purity of the mind and develop large heartedness. True humanness blossoms only when the body, the mind and the spirit are developed harmoniously. The enthusiasm and effort you display in sports should also manifest in the spheres of morality and spirituality.

Sathya Sai Baba